Another affliction

I feel slightly better after posting this somewhere else some time back. Of course, certain events helped me along the way. Perhaps , slowly. it is time to move on.

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So lets try to put on down what I have been carefully avoiding not talking about all along.

Pain.

Its simple really. Perhaps I am over-sensitive . Or perhaps , i love life too much in that sense out of a selfish urge within myself. It could be a simple act that starts a whole new sense of insecurity , or the niggling sense of guilt when you cannot do anything - much like thinking about something you cannot find a solution to - all too easy considering the length and width of what i had been thinking about . From considering Jonathan's words , to dealing with more and more bits of my own past as i dig out and finally throw away stuff from secondary school, to dealing with the more painful bits of finally , perhaps throwing away the little momentoes that still hang around during JC - and whom am i trying to kid that by throwing it away, you allow yourself an avenue to regret, to forget , to perhaps, forgive the little symphonies of melacholny that i experience out of selfish vanity.


Wrong.

Then comes a point where you just want to live life day to day, to not fret too much over your own future , to not fret even more so about family, friends. To just answer and fufill simply what both ask for. It is simple. Really.

Wrong.

What is it like? Or the intensity of it like? Imagine living through your own memories while you sleep everyday , as the memory explores itself through the various options of what ifs nots and weres. Imagine waking up feeling empty, trying very hard to slice using a knife without your own mind going into overdrive. Imagine having to live with disappointment - of failing your friends , whom you treasure dearly, whom cannot fanthom why you think you have failed them, attributing it to self-induced pain. Imagine having to relive the tension within just trying to burst out when its 4 in the morning , you are alone , and you wake up gasping for breath. Only to find out that its only four , its still dark, and your stomach feels as though someone definately decided to put a volcano inside while booking himself/herself on a trip to pompeii. Think, of dark eye rings, of an edgy mind just plain refusing to obey to die and stop allow itself to develop the possiblities. Think, as you keep silent. showing only the slightest trace of anger even AFTER you tell someone over the phone that you are now pissed, then putting down the phone, pretending nothing has ever happened, and try to lose yourself in a world of double kills, triple kills, and OWNING - of course. that was me being fragged. Think, of the bittersweet feeling you get flipping through the memory of the first girl who actually made you truly happy when you flew halfway around the globe to tell her that you are worrying, betraying your own feelings as a result knowing full well she had none to recipocrate in the first place - and having to endure the bitter that a awkward self imposed rift forms from 2 individuals trying to run away - one not wishing to talk about it, think about it, and allowing normality to resume while having to deal with the additonal burden of facing herself, the other well. Read the above. Imagine. clinging onto the hope that you could be caught. that perhaps you might just have enough worth to your friends that maybe those you hold closest might notice that you were falling and try to comfort you. Dream on.

I just want to live my life day by day, and i dont want to take my friends, or my family for granted - Doing everything i have to treasure and preserve - but even for that . I am questioned , as much as i question myself for being a fool.

I was never worth anything in the first place to ask for so much from my friends.