Something from camp.

So yes, i enlisted and theres a whole bunch of things i have YET to do. namely


1) resend a parcel out of singapore - i sent 2 parcels out to sweden and one came back with a return to sender logo and 40 dollars wasted =/.

2) Bjorn and his super late bday present.

3) a few christmas presents

4) christophers ipod is still sitting on my table. (edit : i just checked someones blog and turns out i just wasted quite some cash -.-)



Guys please ring me up / email asap to get the stuff? >.<, i am developing Tekongitis. ( lack of hair + helmet = no brains)



Tekong is ok, i think either i really did something in my past life , or i am just really plain lucky, i got into a warrant officer's company. At least there isnt so much chicken shit to endure and we dont have to wait to rush, rush to wait that much. While i stil cannot sleep well, i have got a bunch of hacked-off bunnies for section mates. so i am still quite sane. In the past 3 weeks , i have learnt that :

1) I cannot shoot for nuts in the day time

2) 101 ways to stay awake during lectures

3) had my bed shaken at 3 in the morning by NO one.

4) been having 3 very consistent dreams involving people around me.

5) have learnt that while the internet makes you stupid, the army makes you plain dumb. I believe my english is now alot worse. So much for the try-to-learn-how-to-switch-to-proper-english-thing.

6) learnt that i DO NOT have a psycho motor problem. (whew)

7) learnt to be alot more sincere every night before i sleep.

8) seen chicken in 1001 different variations

9) seen guys who are just plain bo chup =/

10) wrote. alot.

11) learnt that there really is something about dreams. Perhpas i am just overimaginating things or something. argh.

12) that being sincere, in whatever you do, is just going to get you cheated, and hurt. Along the way. 13) happpened.

13) to stop lying, not because i want to impress, not because i need to, there wasnt a need in the first place, and when you strip everything bare, i lied to give myself a veneer of normality, because i was, always afraid of everyone else.

14) that i do crave for the attention people shower, and that i shouldnt be ashamed, even though i sometimes really literally need to be pulled out of anything. So heres the shout out : WHERE ARE YOU GUYS!?

15) to listen to myself. I will allow myself to be upset, that way, i wont be so afraid to tell the truth, and to stop lying.

16) That deep down. i really want to help the peeps around me , and that while i still think i am a fundamentally selfish and naive prick , at least i am better then some pricks who lie to me instead when i really just want to try to help. which leads to...

17) to respect people's privacy, and to defend yours like a bitch. AM NOT SNOOPING AROUND PRIVATE BLOGS. THANK YOU.

18) to trust people. despite my own reservations on it.

19) to never bite back at people. You might never know, how much you really hurt others instead. I ended up being paranoid this way on the receiving end.

20) what i want, whom i want to be, and what i need to do. Funny that it takes a trip to sweden, A talk in uppsala,a trip to lons boda ,a power trip at home, A talk at the 2 durians,a PC interview, and a klaxon everyday for me to come to terms slowly with myself.


Suddenly , it isnt baby steps. It's like i have so much to catch up on suddenly and so many things not to take for granted for.

Another affliction

I feel slightly better after posting this somewhere else some time back. Of course, certain events helped me along the way. Perhaps , slowly. it is time to move on.

===========================================


So lets try to put on down what I have been carefully avoiding not talking about all along.

Pain.

Its simple really. Perhaps I am over-sensitive . Or perhaps , i love life too much in that sense out of a selfish urge within myself. It could be a simple act that starts a whole new sense of insecurity , or the niggling sense of guilt when you cannot do anything - much like thinking about something you cannot find a solution to - all too easy considering the length and width of what i had been thinking about . From considering Jonathan's words , to dealing with more and more bits of my own past as i dig out and finally throw away stuff from secondary school, to dealing with the more painful bits of finally , perhaps throwing away the little momentoes that still hang around during JC - and whom am i trying to kid that by throwing it away, you allow yourself an avenue to regret, to forget , to perhaps, forgive the little symphonies of melacholny that i experience out of selfish vanity.


Wrong.

Then comes a point where you just want to live life day to day, to not fret too much over your own future , to not fret even more so about family, friends. To just answer and fufill simply what both ask for. It is simple. Really.

Wrong.

What is it like? Or the intensity of it like? Imagine living through your own memories while you sleep everyday , as the memory explores itself through the various options of what ifs nots and weres. Imagine waking up feeling empty, trying very hard to slice using a knife without your own mind going into overdrive. Imagine having to live with disappointment - of failing your friends , whom you treasure dearly, whom cannot fanthom why you think you have failed them, attributing it to self-induced pain. Imagine having to relive the tension within just trying to burst out when its 4 in the morning , you are alone , and you wake up gasping for breath. Only to find out that its only four , its still dark, and your stomach feels as though someone definately decided to put a volcano inside while booking himself/herself on a trip to pompeii. Think, of dark eye rings, of an edgy mind just plain refusing to obey to die and stop allow itself to develop the possiblities. Think, as you keep silent. showing only the slightest trace of anger even AFTER you tell someone over the phone that you are now pissed, then putting down the phone, pretending nothing has ever happened, and try to lose yourself in a world of double kills, triple kills, and OWNING - of course. that was me being fragged. Think, of the bittersweet feeling you get flipping through the memory of the first girl who actually made you truly happy when you flew halfway around the globe to tell her that you are worrying, betraying your own feelings as a result knowing full well she had none to recipocrate in the first place - and having to endure the bitter that a awkward self imposed rift forms from 2 individuals trying to run away - one not wishing to talk about it, think about it, and allowing normality to resume while having to deal with the additonal burden of facing herself, the other well. Read the above. Imagine. clinging onto the hope that you could be caught. that perhaps you might just have enough worth to your friends that maybe those you hold closest might notice that you were falling and try to comfort you. Dream on.

I just want to live my life day by day, and i dont want to take my friends, or my family for granted - Doing everything i have to treasure and preserve - but even for that . I am questioned , as much as i question myself for being a fool.

I was never worth anything in the first place to ask for so much from my friends.

Shoelaces , and a belgian morning.

Shoelaces , and a belgian morning.

I rub my eyes and stretch
wishing I had slept earlier
Breathed alot easier
Feel alot better, and sing
Like a certain canary
out of merciful captivity
and into this haze
Of flutter and stutter
Dicing my heart's gaze
Into mindless, symbolic bits of chatter.
so that myself , i can digest, that i matter


Wake me up. Please. From this little spell.
As i tie these shoelaces, while riding the carousel