The blues. part 1

feeling utterly terrible. nothing much has been going on other then studying , studying and more studying. and....trying to come to terms that my standards are falling...again.


cough and fever have been rather persistent for a few days now. hopefully it will clear up by wednesday. got human comm presenatation. and that will be difficult.

am trying to take my mind of today as much as possible. even though its rather hard. perhaps i should make another visit again.

time passes really quickly. its been 3 years already.







in other news..... my DODs.....failing. again. i always believed in trying to play my best. but lately with alot of work to do. and with me being kinda left out of all matters SS, including first team or compy team matters. i feel kinda lost all of a sudden. it has become much harder to actually try and achieve something with what little i have left.

i have been in SS for what...this is my 3rd year already come next month. and what have i achieved or done for them ? nothing worth remembering. not even a trophy. when others whom came in the same time as me already done so. better yet. i still feel every bit disappointed in a way that well, i have been overlooked. everyone in the team has a place and purpose. always felt dispensable. now i feel utterly useless -.- ---insert pathetic whine-- i have spent 3 years first chasing the shadow of perhaps the best rifleman in singapore,who is a dear friend and buddy. then chasing the shadow of everyone else. then being a shadow to my clan, in the end. they get looked up at. i am just " oh. archangel." minus those petty bastards who want to suck up aka DOG. its hard to look for something sincere nowadays. my garand and kar is nowhere what i expect. and i end up just staring at the screen with disappointment, and end up playing in other servers....where i stare at the screen with more frustration instead. am making it no secret that i have been trying my darnest to fit back in with the guys. but i guess. the rest find me oversensitive. over hyped. and ultimately. just another useless rifle. finding it alot harder to turn to myself more and more. the trust in that i have cover isnt there anymore. no fun playing the bad guy , being a nag. and being crapped.




rock off my heart. at the very least i guess. 2 panadols , and chicken rice time.

clarence

vindicated.

Am not trying to be paranoid....but....... the back of my head hurts like crazy alot. when i say alot. imagine this. someone raises his/her/its voice . i get the sudden hit pangs in my brain. Something like "HEY BUSTER. THAT HURT WAYYY TOOO MUCH". i was reading a storybook and when i leaned back on my armchair ( its cushioned by the way. plus one more pillow at the head/neck area)., if i am not careful and i let my head fall back too fast. it hurts. WTF? at first it was just a dull ache. then it became quite bad these past few weeks...... argh. damn headache.



in other news. well febuary 26/27 is just around the corner. i hate to be depressing. but to those who know how i am. STAY AWAY. if i look homicidal. restrain me. if i feel like giving up a tiny bit. dont make me whine so much. if i procastinate. GET ME ASS MOVING. if i appear just abit sad. please come down hard and remind me that i should get back to work.

to those who know why i asked for the above. yes. i am being escapist by throwing myself to work/ANYTHING in order to take my mind of lynn. i am not afraid to admit anymore either.


refering to the post earlier. nice guys finish last. i have been called nice lots. but you know what? i feel just. utterly ugly inside. then again. i always end up in fistfights in my mind.

my blog. i just need to spam.


to my friends. thank you. in advance.


aight. back to work. lets see if i can post wee bit more later.

clarence.

ps: OK BIG SIDENOTE>>> replace those "honor" with "horror" in the earlier post. i was.....in trauma :P

Errr?

Got this from Valerie, whom said she got this from pam.....nice warm fuzzy read. but erm. not meant for me =P


This is a tribute to the nice guys.
(you know who you are. and to specifically one of them, stop saying you're fugly. lol)

The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point.

This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores.

This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support.

This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern.

This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door.

For the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population,
For the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway,
For the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters,
For the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends,
For all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it.
This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor.

This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” (sound familiar?) Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks.

Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!).

But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought (me! me!) and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. (yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeng!)
You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

lynn

i visited lynn in the morning today, no fanfare whatsoever. just the myself and my thoughts for 2 hours. went for lunch. met jane and handed some stuff over. had a long phone conversation with her. that wraps something else up....i guess. was wandering around rather aimlessly when i bumped into val and chris. of all people. hhaha.


happy valentines day.
clarence

well.

The weekend was ok i guess. spent friday night getting ready for something in school. finished some work in the morning on saturday and still had time to go down on saturday to meet up for the l5r tourney. i came in pretty good considering that as a newbie playing what i feel is abit of a difficult deck. i gave a particular unicorn a hard time =p. chilling out today i guess. nothings going through my mind. shall post as it comes.


clarence

test

test. gonna try new skin.